DarkHexEos on Xanga

Weblog

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Back, I suppose. just doing this so I don't lose it.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Another long delay

Well, again, it's been quite a while since I've used this thing. Things have not changed however, though.

Maybe it's time to start anew, rather than just worrying so much about the past. Time to make use of what I do have, rather than spending so much time and effort to try and become stronger.

I am Benjamin Sterner, more frequently called Hex. And even, in one case, Sir. I'm 20, as of Oct. 15th, 2007. I don't know my true name. I don't know my true age. I don't know who I might have been in the past, or what my true limits are.

I do know who I am now, though. I am me. Anything else pales in comparison to that realization, as well as finally realizing that the rest just doesn't matter that much. No more feeling helpless because I cannot seem to do anything directly. If my mind, and my senses, are all I have...then I will use them as best I can rather than wallowing in self-pity.

This is a new beginning for me. Here's to hoping it leads down a good path.

Sunday, 03 June 2007

THE RISING SIGN OR ASCENDANT
The sign that is on the eastern horizon at the moment of birth is called the Rising Sign or the Ascendant. The Ascendant marks the difference in temperament, disposition, physical appearance and personality of individuals. It is the lens through which everything else in the chart is focused or looked through, thus coloring the way we look at everything. People see us through our rising sign and we see the world through our rising sign. YOUR ASCENDANT IS:

SCORPIO rising
People with Scorpio rising tend to be secretive, deep, withdrawn, mysterious, regenerate or degenerate, reserved, hard to understand, courageous, willful, persistent, stubborn in thought, creative, self-reliant, self-controlled (except perhaps with the passions), and silent. According to the spiritual astrologer Isabel Hickey, no unevolved soul is born with Scorpio rising. This is a powerhouse rising sign. It represents the battleground where the higher and lower selves must come to mortal combat. They must be aligned and the lower self eventually must die and give way to and obey the higher self, the God within. Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual levels are all involved. You appear calm on the surface, but you can be extremely emotional inside. "Still waters run deep", as they say. You tend to be the silent type, always wanting to know others' motivations, but never disclosing your own. You love to play the detective or the ferret. You have to know everything, all the how's and why's. You have great determination and strength, enough to overcome any adversary, even yourself. You need to overcome resentment, possessiveness and jealousy. There may be a fascination, preoccupation, interest and/or ability with the occult, death, sex or healing. You can be a devil or an angel, the eagle or the stinging scorpion. Spiritual lesson to learn: Forgiveness. Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio so Mars and Pluto will be important in your chart.

SIGN POSITIONS OF PLANETS
The planets represent energies and cosmic forces that can manifest in different ways. They are like the actors in a play. The signs describe the ways in which these planetary energies are used. They show the motivation and the roles the different actors play. As with everything in the material world, these energies can and usually do operate in two directions, the positive and negative.

Sun in Sagittarius
Sagittarians tend to be idealistic, optimistic, dependable, open-minded, friendly, honest and versatile. But, they can also be tactless, irresponsible, showy, boastful, self-righteous, arrogant, quarrelsome, fanatical, dogmatic and dictatorial. Sagittarians like any work where foresight and a willingness to take a chance is offered, while at the same time, they try to avoid detailed work.

Sagittarians are usually outspoken, sometimes to the point of bluntness. Simply blurting out their ideas and opinions is due to their never-ending search for truth and wisdom. Others think Sagittarians are pretty tactless and the statement that "truth hurts" fits their way of thinking. Regardless of their undiplomatic remarks, others instinctively feel as if the Sagittarian means them no real harm and is only interested in raising their consciousness.

Sagittarians love the outdoors, large animals, nature and sports. Some have reckless gambling tendencies and will bet it all on the drop of a hat. Travel and even long walks appeal to them because they make the Sagittarian feel free — and he needs to feel free.

Sagittarians are philosophical and they want to understand the deeper issues and abstractions of life. They have a certain faith in higher things that generally always keeps them of an optimistic bent, no matter what difficulties are currently besetting them. They want to understand the meaning of life. This helps to keep them growing and expanding, which is something they need to do. This desire for expansion can cause them to overextend themselves with too many activities and to use up their energy too rapidly. They need to take intervals of rest to recuperate between projects.

Sagittarians need to learn how to concentrate on their current projects and stick with them to the end. Always full of enthusiasm, they tend to show it more at the start of new endeavors, then it tends to lessen as the project goes along and gets stuck in details, or the going gets a little rough, or it simply gets a little boring.

Although Sagittarians are ordinarily healthy, they can run into trouble due to overindulgence in food and drink.

Sagittarians are known for their friendliness, helpfulness and subtle humor. They are good conversationalists and enjoy debating merely for the sake of debating. They have a real gift for making friends and the typical Sagittarian can go anywhere in the world without ever feeling lonely, for they acquire friends along the route. They have humanitarian instincts and are practical in expressing them. They will tend to help anyone who is in need. You can usually depend on their loyalty and honesty, for there is nothing devious or manipulative in their nature.

Sagittarians are extremely independent and restless, with a real need for personal freedom. They can experience claustrophobia, either physical or emotional. This is why they are reluctant to get into total commitment situations and often shy away from marriage. In love, Sagittarians are highly romantic, but they need their partner to be intelligent and communicative. They hate jealousy and possessiveness on the part of their partner, especially since they are fond of flirting. They enjoy the chase more than the capture.

Careerwise, Sagittarians are reluctant to become tied down to a set schedule, so will experiment with a variety of jobs. They do best in careers that permit them to travel about, either locally or widely. They also like dealing directly with people, either selling or promoting ideas, products, etc.

The Sagittarian may overlook small details, but their overall sense of planning is excellent. They have good memories. The challenge of a problem is what interests them, for it caters to their enjoyment in exploring the unknown. Playing games comes easily to a Sagittarian and it is the journey they enjoy rather than the destination.

Moon in Gemini
You tend to intellectualize your feelings. Your moods come through your words. At times you are totally unaware of your own or other people' deeper feelings and emotional needs. You talk out your feelings and moods. Your primary need is to communicate and to share knowledge. You tend to avoid heavy, emotional relationships and involvements because their is some tendency to superficiality. Commitment scares you. You require plenty of mental stimulation and you feel closest to people with whom you can share thoughts and mental interests. You get turned on sexually through the mental side of things. You have a versatile and receptive mind with a great desire for knowledge. You can be charming, witty and warm-hearted. Nervous tension, anxiety, and stress may be a problem for you. You probably dislike arguments and have a tendency to talk too much. You may tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth. Mental control should be developed or else indecisiveness and constant changing of your mind will become a way of life for you.

Mercury in Sagittarius
You possess idealism, vision, and foresight, and your mind is often occupied with big ideas, plans, and goals for the future. You are interested in what is possible and what is on the horizon, rather than what has already been done. Subjects like philosophy, religion, politics, or education interest you, and you are more concerned with theories, abstractions and concepts than with specific applications. You are not inclined to focus on any one practical, concrete area. You don't particularly like details and may find it difficult to concentrate long enough to carry your ideas through to completion. You seek mental freedom, yet your thoughts are usually along traditional lines. Having a gambling instinct, you may enjoy gambling, speculative enterprises and new ventures. You are forward, blunt and direct in speech and you always speak your mind. People who know you know that you don't beat around the bush. You are apt to say the first thing that pops into your head. Thus, you have to learn to control your tongue, develop tact, and to think before speaking. Business, advertising, and promotion might be good career areas for you. You have a keen mind and are impulsive and versatile. You have a tendency to study several similar subjects, to have more than one job and to have several projects going all at the same time. You tend to want to keep on the move, traveling, in order to gain experience, knowledge and wisdom.

Venus in Scorpio
In matters of love, you desire and crave a deep, intense, and passionate relationship. The bonds you form are strongly emotional and may be described as possessive. You can get very jealous regarding loved ones. Uncontrolled jealousy and possessiveness may help destroy the relationships you are most intense about. You have a tendency to "marry" whatever or whoever captures your heart and it is difficult to let go of it or them for any reason. High demands are placed on your partners. You are somewhat suspicious of even platonic, friendly relationships your partner has. If you are ever betrayed, you are capable of hating with as much force and intensity as you once loved. You are attracted to people who have an aura of mystery about them. You have a sultry charm, a personal magnetism. Although your feelings run deep, you may have trouble expressing them. Once burned you never give another a second chance. It is all or nothing at all. There can be a deep religious devotion which can serve as an outlet for your overcharged emotions. You need to learn the value of self-control. Misuse of the creative force in previous lifetimes has forced you to again deal with issues surrounding sex, passion, desire, and regeneration. This position stimulates your creative ability and brings infatuations, misalliances, and love affairs.

Mars in Pisces
Your energies and aggressions tend to come out in non-combative and noncompetitive ways. You are a bit of a pacifist and do not enjoy tackling anyone or anything head-on in a directly confrontational manner. Working around people or situations or working behind the scenes, in secret, is more your preferred style. If necessary, it is more your tendency to give up something rather than to fight for it. Because your ego is not especially interested in personal achievement, glorification, material advantage, or winning at the expense of someone else, you may come across to others as weak-willed or ineffectual. Being on top, being the best, or being first doesn't mean much to you, hence you can be quite happy in a supporting role, working for the benefit of others or for a cause that you believe in. You may experience difficulties in planning clear and definite goals for yourself in the real world. You are not sure what you want out of life, except you instinctively seem to know that you do have and need to find a spiritual purpose. You have many dreams, high ideals, and a strong mystical or religious impulse. You also have a creative imagination and can successfully apply yourself to art or music. You are intuitive, humorous and diplomatic, quiet on the outside, but restless within. On the negative side you can be indecisive, procrastinating, too interested in the sensual side of life, and may resort to using drugs or alcohol as a way to escape the pressures and responsibilities of dealing with everyday life. Learning self-control is important for you. Take action, don't day-dream.

Jupiter in Pisces
Your needs for growth and expansion are perhaps best satisfied when you are working to help raise mankind to a higher spiritual level. You recognize that we are all in this together and what is bad for one is bad for all. You are sympathetic, charitable, genial, unassuming, quiet, visionary, intuitive, with a subtle sense of humor. You have an interest in spiritual or metaphysical ideas and issues, but you need to find your own path and experience Truth for yourself. Periodically retreating from society and the people closest to you is good for your nerves and your own mental health. The strong desire you have to help others comes out in your willingness to help the unfortunate. Perhaps you volunteer in hospitals, jails, or other places of confinement. You give hope to those who need it most. You probably love nature and large animals, especially horses. There may be an interest in healing. On the negative side you may be hypersensitive, over-emotional, too sentimental, have a tendency to exaggerate, or to be too extravagant or self-indulgent.

Saturn in Sagittarius
At its best this position gives a charitable and philanthropic turn to the mind with a desire to benefit and uplift mankind through discipline, system and self-help under just laws and true religious impulse. It brings trust, respect and honor in all undertakings. You are intuitive, philosophical, independent and persistent. Mental maturity comes later in life and promises success. You are generous with a wonderfully developed sense of responsibility. You have administrative and scientific abilities. Benefit can be gained from meditation and introspection. You may have poor circulation in the hips and legs. You need physical exercise and fresh air, especially in your sleeping quarters. On the negative side, you may be cynical, atheistic, selfishly ambitious, dogmatic, insincere and sarcastic. There is a need for everything to be proven before belief is possible.

HOUSE POSITIONS OF PLANETS
The planets represent energies and cosmic forces that can be utilized in various ways. They are like the actors in a play. Houses represent the different spheres of life where these energies can be and are brought to bear, for better or for worse. If the planets are the actors in a play, then the houses represent the various settings in which the actors play out their roles (signs).

Sun in 2nd house
You need to feel a strong sense of personal or self-worth. A desire for power through personal possessions, talents and money may engage your energies. Money comes and goes easily. You are generous and ambitious, but can be extravagant and grasping. You must watch a tendency to be possessive of or "lord over" people and things. If the Sun is afflicted by aspect, perhaps you do not feel loved or feel worthy of love.

Moon in 7th house
You seem to attract sensitive people as partners, perhaps those who want to "mother" you or be mothered. There can be many changes of partners and many relationships because of the need to find someone who can bring an ultimate security. This search continues because security can only be found within, not without. You desire companionship, hence many relationships.

Your feelings are greatly influenced by those with whom you are in close personal contact. You want to be popular with others. You are inclined to seek partners who can bring out your sympathetic side and play on your emotions.

For men there is often a tendency to seek a "mother figure" and to bring out in others a desire to mother, protect and care for them. You are therefore likely to attract a partner who is kind and domesticated.

Both you and your partner may need to be on your guard against moody or fickle behavior. Marriage may be undertaken with the object of establishing a home. More than one marriage is possible.

There is probably a compelling emotional need for a partner and for marriage. In order to get the best results from any partnership you must learn to control any tendency to be continually at the mercy of your moods, which may result from over-vulnerable feelings. Try to control a tendency to be too dependent on others for your emotional stimuli and you should discipline a constant desire for changes in the nature of the relationship.

Concerning vocation: Your work situation is tied to the public, partnerships, a keen awareness of public expectation and the need to meet it. Perhaps marriage is essential to give clear focus to work security. For many with this position, the work profile can be labeled a "public personality." You are dependent upon others for the fulfillment of work needs. The process of relationships is extremely important.

Mercury in 1st house
You are adaptable, clever, inquisitive, eloquent, witty, and perhaps high-strung. You want to know something about a lot of things. Your speeches and writings reflect your own personal opinions. You may have jittery nerves which keep your body slim, but which could cause nervous disorders. You love talking about what interests you.

Venus in 12th house
Your love of solitude and being your own best company may cause you to want to retreat from society. Pleasures are enjoyed in secret or behind the scenes. Clandestine relationships are possible. Self-indulgence through drink, drugs or sex can bring on self-undoing. There is a strong sense of compassion and a willingness to help and serve others. You may be a sucker for a good sob story. Success by social standards is unimportant to you. You want an understanding of the meaning of life. There is a tendency to keep relationships with the opposite sex a secret. You seldom reveal your innermost feelings. This position usually gives an interest in psychic or occult subjects.

Mars in 4th house
There is an early striving for independence and a desire for security and a home of your own. There may be tension or antagonism in your family environment. Perhaps you are too demanding of those closest to you. You must overcome your hidden antagonisms and quarrelsomeness. Your strong emotions must be toned down and controlled. Go out and do some yard work to work off the excess energy.

Jupiter in 4th house
You are generous, self-confident, hospitable and patriotic. Prosperity usually increases in later years. You desire a home that is spacious and comfortable. Parental influence is strong in shaping your character. Perhaps your parents shared a strong faith with you. Usually, considerable help and/or an inheritance is received from the parents. With Jupiter well-aspected, it is better to stay where you were born rather than move away from your birthplace. Guard against becoming ostentatious and watch out for self-indulgence.

Saturn in 1st house
You are probably reserved, quiet, and serious. People may take you for quite a cold person. You are responsible, hard-working and duty comes first on your list of priorities. Self-controlled and disciplined are how others see you. You may have experienced a rather austere or difficult early childhood. Perhaps there was illness that kept you on the sidelines. Feelings of inferiority, insecurity, or unworthiness may push you to great ambitions and accomplishments. Perhaps you feel unloved or that you are not worthy of love. These feelings may have been activated in your early, formative years. Pessimism and depression may come upon you because everything looks like such a struggle for you. Keep your chin up and realize that no hard work is ever wasted and that rewards will come to you later in life if you buckle down now and toe the line. Survival issues may come into play.

Uranus in 2nd house
You can earn money in original and inventive ways. Money and possessions come and go in sudden, unexpected ways. There may be unusual and disruptive changes in your financial condition. You may value money for the freedom it gives you to pursue your inner talents, which may be rare and unique. You have the ability to get yourself out of financial difficulties.

Neptune in 2nd house
You have a strong imagination and psychic sensitivity which can be used to tap your inner talents. You receive intuitive hunches and are apt to have vivid dreams. You have an appreciation of beautiful objects. You seldom worry about money, which may be just as well, since your finances can be complicated and sometimes confusing. This placement can tend to make you extremely generous or extremely dishonest. If dishonesty is present, you will experience losses through theft, fraud and deception. Do everything on the up-and-up and money matters will go smoother. Avoid risky speculations and investments. Be completely honest with respect to money matters.

Pluto in 12th house
You feel a need to search for truth and wisdom so that you can understand life. Perhaps life has enslaved you in some way and you are searching for transformation or regeneration. Occasional upheavals in your life come about in order to bring you back to the correct path. There is a desire to retreat from society in order to re-analyze your life. You can become a champion of the downtrodden masses. Serving others in this life may be important for you. You enjoy working behind the scenes.

PLANETARY ASPECTS
If the planets represent energies and cosmic forces that manifest in different ways, then the planetary aspects show how these energies and forces tend to act and react, one with another, if the will of the person is not brought into play to change them.

Sun discordant to Jupiter
You tend to be optimistic and confident, but overly so. You are self-indulgent and over-extravagant. There is a selfish streak within you that sometimes keeps you from devoting yourself to others. There may be religious fanaticism here, with a closed-minded adherence to one particular dogma. You do not have the best judgment at times and you promise more than you are capable of delivering. You display false pride. You tend to exaggerate your stories or your own abilities. You find it difficult to generate the necessary resolve to follow through on completing the projects you start. You have big aspirations and the desire to succeed in life in a grand way, but you may not have the initiative or persistence to make it a reality. But in spite of all this, you never seem to lose your hopes for the future.

You may become restless and discontent with the responsibilities and limitations you have in life. At some point your faith will be tested to see just how strong it is. You may encounter legal problems, especially with or through those in positions of authority. You need to ask yourself when does self-confidence become egotism? You want to feel important and that can easily bring on an egotistical manner. You love to show yourself off and make yourself into someone important. You are capable of gaudy displays of extravagance. You are wasteful of the energies and resources that you have been entrusted with. All actions should be carefully thought out, so that you do not experience severe losses due to overspeculation, loans, investments, gambling, etc. Social prestige is important to you. You may be subject to circulation problems of the blood, especially the arterial circulation. Living the "good life" can add extra pounds and this can contribute to health problems as well. You need to stay active and keep exercising.

Sun blending with Uranus
You are innovative, unusual, intuitive, clever, creative, unconventional, unorthodox and you identify with the role of the rebel, the reformer or the weirdo. You are very independent and hate to be told what to do and when to do it. You do not easily adapt yourself to other people's needs and wishes. You have to have the kind of lifestyle that allows you to be spontaneous. You feel that you are different than other people and are somehow outside the mainstream of life. Some people think you're from another planet, or at least ahead of your time. You do not want to feel controlled in any situation, and especially in relationships. You have a great deal of nervous tension and tend to be high-strung. Rest and creative outlets are needed in order for you to keep your balance and not go off the deep end. You have an electric personality that charges up the people who are around you. You are highly sensitive and highly intuitive. You rely on your hunches to choose the right thing to do. You have the knack of being able to determine how to do new things which are big improvements over the old methods. There is a certain genius about you that can be brought out by the proper application of self-control and self-discipline.

Moon discordant to Mercury
You are articulate, expressive and witty, but you may lack persistence and depth, in both thought and action. Your memory is not that good and you lack mental stability. You find it difficult to make any sort of decision and are subject to much worry, usually over trivial things that never happen. Your nervous habits can be irritating to others. You have a tendency to gossip behind other people's backs. You stretch the truth for your own purposes. You have a natural interest in people and their inner motivations, feelings, personal lives, and experiences. You are a natural listener with a talent for getting others to talk about their lives, dreams, desires — the things that are personally meaningful to them. You have a particular interest in the past. You like sharing stories about your roots and are generally concerned either with personal history (childhood and early family experiences, genealogy, etc.) or with the roots and origins of societies (archeology, mythology, history, etc.). You are nostalgic and love to hear others' life stories and to discuss your own experiences and feelings.

You need to balance your mind and your emotions by bringing reason to your emotional reactions. You tend to be totally logical at times or totally emotional. You have a keen mind, but can have a sharp tongue which hurts other people. You should hesitate before speaking to make sure that your words are a constructive and accurate blend of feelings and reason. You are high-strung, restless and nervous and can be very irritable at times. You have a great need to be understood and loved.

Moon discordant to Mars
With all your emotional energy your physical body may be broken down faster than it can be repaired. You need to learn how to slow down and not try to do everything all at once. You are temperamental, irritable and impatient and can be very difficult to live with. You seemingly like to go out of your to pick fights with people. You tend to respond with overt or subtle temper tantrums if your desires and wishes are not granted. You need to get plenty of exercise in order to work off all that excess energy which is only trying to find a constructive outlet. You have an aggressive and feisty spirit and have no trouble standing up for your rights or the rights of others. You need to learn self-restraint and self-control. You are extremely competitive and have a strong need to outdo everyone else. You should learn how to cooperate and compromise with others. You are a very hard worker with a great amount of energy and courage. If you would learn that everyone makes mistakes and accept your own mistakes calmly, then you will be able to use your energy extremely positively. At times you have the habit of resting upon your reputation and relaxing. You need to learn how to control your temper. You are apt to become angry when you are emotionally upset. Your need is to learn to analyze the situation before allowing your emotions to overwhelm you. You may be subject to accidents, cuts or burns because of your impatience in trying to get things done. You are prone to carelessness and not looking before you leap. You resent any set of rules, regulations or any other measures that tend to curb or restrain your actions or desires. If you are in a position of authority, you must be careful that you are not too domineering or exacting in your demand for instant obedience upon the part of your employees. You must learn to let go of desires for revenge and reciprocity. You may be extremely prodigal with your money and may have trouble telling the truth.

Moon discordant to Jupiter
You are prone to overindulge yourself physically, emotionally and financially. You have a light, cheerful disposition and enjoy reaching out to others in a warm, open and friendly way. Your emotional generosity and lack of pettiness is appreciated by your friends and they often come to you seeking help, sympathy or advice. You overlook the faults in others and treat people in a very tolerant, non-judgmental way. You are a happy-go-lucky person who is not prone to worry. There are times when you overdo your charity. You try to do too much for people and this can sometimes be as bad as or worse than not doing enough. You need to learn how to control your intense emotions. You have a great deal of trouble in controlling your feelings in your relationships with others. You may be saddled with an erratic type of nervous energy that doesn't know when to stop until you have completely exhausted yourself physically and emotionally. Your life may seem to be one of constant, frantic haste. There is a tendency to put on weight through overindulgence of the appetite. Your philosophies or religious beliefs may be tested at some point in your life. Your optimism about finance allows overindulgence. There is a challenge presented here and that is in learning to dissolve your pride. You have an internal fear about facing any negative traits in your personality. This emotional fear can be overcome by developing a good philosophy of life and by recognizing that everyone has imperfections. There may be impaired reasoning ability, trouble through litigation, lack of forethought, indecision or dishonesty. You may be much too fond of ostentatious display, extravagant beyond your means and resources and prone to take wild chances in gambling or speculation.

Moon discordant to Saturn
You are highly ambitious, but the real pitfall of this aspect is self-doubt. You do not trust yourself and your own capabilities, talents or skills. You believe that you don't have what it takes in order for people to like you. You have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. That is one reason why you are so busy working, trying to prove yourself to everyone. You are filled with insecurities and the fear of failure. You are afraid that what you have, as little as it might be, will be taken away from you. You are lonely and have a difficult time opening up and feeling close to others. You think that you can buy other people's affections and trust. That is not the way it works — you must earn it. You must also realize that others cannot love you until you first come to love yourself, then others after that. You need constant reassurance from others that you are loved, so much so that it may eventually become a burden on your loved ones. There is a strong need for you to re-evaluate the meaning of emotional security. You often feel that you must do something or be something other than what you really are in order to receive approval and acceptance from others. You are very sensitive to criticism and easily feel left out or neglected, and though you may appear cool or distant, you actually care very much about being included in things. Because you are so sensitive, it may seem easier for you to withdraw into a shell rather than risk the emotional bumps and bruises that can occur when you let others really know you in an intimate and personal way.

Your reserve and caution make establishing a close emotional rapport with others difficult for you. You can gain inner security and emotional strength through periods of solitude if you look at these periods as times where you can nourish yourself and develop your own interests, rather than as times of loneliness. You are subject to occasional bouts of depression, anxiety and frustration. There are delays and roadblocks set up in your path of accomplishment. At times it seems like the whole world is against you and that you have to carry the weight of the world entirely on your own shoulders. You need to learn to overcome your feelings of being totally alone in life. This isn't exactly true. These feelings stem from your inability to express your emotions, so that you feel separated from others. In previous lives, you have tried to love and to be affectionate, but you have been rejected and in this life you are afraid to love because you feel you may be rejected again. You need to learn that emotional security is based on a good philosophy of life and not on other people. Even though you are a controlled, serious and practical person, locked within you is a warm and affectionate person just waiting to get out. But that does involve taking the risk of being hurt again. There's no way around it. You learn through experience.

This is perhaps the single most powerful aspect you can have in a horoscope. Your greatest asset is your ability to learn by experience, for even though you have made many mistakes, your self-knowledge is your salvation. At the height of depression, despair or error you are able to look yourself squarely in the face and start building your way back to where you want to be. You have a jump on the others who are not assisted by the mental energy and psychological drive that this aspect gives.

Mercury discordant to Mars
You have the capacity to be very clever and cunning, trying to take advantage of anyone if you get the chance. Your mind is alert, quick and always ready for an argument. Your speech is sometimes too hasty and you lack tact. Your tongue is a sword you use to lash out at other people when they have upset you or done something you did not like. You have a temper that can explode into swearing, name-calling and general ranting and raving. You are a convincing and forceful speaker and you have a way of bringing people over to your way of thinking, but you are not especially receptive to the ideas and opinions of others. You need to better learn how to rationally and logically control your desires. Your mental energy should be directed into creative channels instead of wasted in conflicts with others. You are irritable and fault-finding at times and this turns friends and family against you. You are argumentative and rather critical and aggressive in discussions and you like turning any conversation into a debate or verbal war. Try to choose an occupation where this talent is a plus and not a minus. Perhaps you could be a spokesman for a righteous cause, a lawyer vigorously defending a client, an analyst or critic. You love to read and you may have literary talent.

You are high-strung and have a lot of nervous energy, thus you find it hard to sit still for very long. You love working on several projects at the same time because it keeps you from getting bored, but you may have difficulty finishing the things you have started. You need to take time out occasionally and give your mind a break so that it does not become overstrained. Inner tension and hostility find their outlet in angry outbursts, sometimes making little sense to listeners. Your anger destroys your ability to think clearly and so you are unable to logically present the reasons for your anger. Since your nerves are also stretched taut, you must be careful or you may suffer from some type of nervous disorder, such as shingles or an ulcer. Anger is very detrimental to the heart, also. You have a tendency to overwork, which is very hard on both your physical body and your nerves. Your approach to life can be too much hustle and bustle, with a lot of running around and nothing being accomplished. Slow down once in a while and chill out.

Mercury blending with Saturn
Your mind is scientific, serious, deep and capable of great concentration. You are a relatively slow thinker, but you are very thorough. You enjoy studying or thinking in solitude and you rarely offer an opinion on any matter until you have thoroughly considered it. You are subject to periodic bouts of depression and are cautious and reserved by nature. Conservatism is your natural mode of operation. You are something of a skeptic and may be narrow-minded and closed to new ideas, especially if you have no concrete proof or scientific evidence as to their validity and correctness. You have an aptitude for research or doing mental work which requires precise, organized thinking, attention to detail, and a methodical approach. Socially, you tend to be reserved, serious, uncommunicative and uncomfortable with light, frivolous conversation. You love work and are very conscientious about carrying out your duties and responsibilities. For you, work is fun. Anything that doesn't accomplish something practical and productive is considered more or less a waste of time and energy. People who listen to you talk know that you speak with the confidence of authority. You have wonderful organizing ability and executive capacity. You are practical and deliberate and you have difficulty expressing your affection for others. You have a tendency toward tooth decay.

Venus harmonizing with Mars
You are warmly romantic and openly express your affection, appreciation and love of the opposite sex, though rarely in a crude or insensitive manner. You seem to be a magnet to the opposite sex, regardless of whether most people would classify you as beautiful or attractive, although you may well be. You are simply fun and pleasant to be around and that is why you attract so much attention. You have sex appeal and others like and appreciate your easy-going emotional nature. You like getting people together and if it were up to you, you would have the whole world paired off, living happily ever after.

You have a strong desire for love and beauty and involving yourself in some type of creative activity, whether it be art, music, sculpture or poetry, would help to satisfy this inner craving. This aspect brings a certain charisma and you seem to naturally draw people around you. You like to socialize and are happiest when surrounded by others. You have a great need to give and receive affection from others. You are warm and demonstrative in your affection for others. You are very much alive and others find this very appealing. Fulfillment and harmony in love is likely for you because you know what you want and need in a romantic sense and you express those desires honestly and openly. You have no hidden agendas. You are a non-combative individual who likes peace and serenity. You put a lot of energy into your emotions.

Venus harmonizing with Jupiter
You are a generous, warm-hearted and open-handed person who shares every resource with others. You give of both yourself and your possessions to those whom you favor, although you will rarely put yourself out too much in order to do so. You enjoy luxury and refinement and you desire to always be in comfortable, elegant surroundings. You hate having to get your hands dirty. You are charming, gracious and charitable and you are the model host or hostess. This aspect brings material good fortune, which has been earned from previous lives. If there is a negative here, then it is your tendency towards self-indulgence, over-extravagance and laziness. Sometimes things come to you so easily that you do not appreciate them. Things are most appreciated if one has to work hard for them. There may be a love of rich, sweet food as well as too much of it, hence a tendency to gain weight. You are a very gentle and social person who loves harmony, beauty and travel. Be careful not to take things too much for granted or take the easy way out.

Venus blending with Pluto
You have deep, compelling and sometimes irrational feelings of love and passion and you will not settle for a relationship that isn't intense. You are wildly passionate towards the ones you love, as well as being perhaps jealous and possessive of them as well. Whatever you feel, you want to feel it down to the deepest level of your existence. Of course this can cause problems with everyday life because no relationship can be that intense and that interesting all the time. At times you do not care whether the emotions you feel are good or bad as long as they are powerful. So agony and ecstasy are both okay with you, although you're not silly enough to prefer the agony. Well, maybe. These intense relationships, even if they do not last, have a way of transforming you and that is why you instinctively seek them out or why they seem to come to you.

You tend to have a certain emotional fanaticism about the things you care about. It's all or nothing — there are no half-way measures for you. There can be trouble through emotional excesses, misplaced passions or the loss of control of the sensual nature. Self-control and self-discipline are necessary or you may self-destruct. Channel your hormonal energies into things creative, such as art, music, poetry, sculpture, drama, etc. You must not allow yourself to become too self-indulgent or hedonistic. Feelings of jealousy, envy and possessiveness must be controlled or any relationship will be eventually destroyed. You need to develop your self-confidence so that feelings of insecurity do not drive you over the edge. All these experiences all meant to force you to reconsider and transform your values.

Mars blending with Jupiter
You have a wonderfully optimistic and positive attitude and you believe that there is nothing you can't do. Therefore, you tackle life's problems with self-confidence, a strong will and much gusto. You love challenges and if someone tells you something can't be done, then that makes you want to give it a go even more. No matter how much you accomplish, you will probably never rest on your laurels. There are always more challenges ahead of you and you actively seek them out. You are forward-looking, enterprising and enthusiastic about new projects. You are not happy in situations that do not offer you challenges and the potential for growth and expansion in the future — no matter how secure or satisfactory they may be in other respects. People probably think you are very competitive, but you are mainly in competition with yourself, to see how far you can go and how much you can accomplish. You have leadership abilities because you inspire courage, confidence and enthusiasm in others. You have the spark of life and your vitality is strong, so your health is generally good. Any problems that may set in are probably due to burnout rather than anything else. Because you are so strongly driven by challenge, you may lose interest in things or people if you do not feel challenged. This tendency can affect your love life as you may continually change partners to try and find one who can keep up with you or keep you on your toes. You like the chase more than the capture or conquest. You love absorbing new knowledge and you may travel in order to experience different cultures.

You are direct in speech and say what you mean, no holds barred. You may need to develop a bit more tact. There is a gambling streak in you because you love excitement. Be careful of your risk-taking tendencies as they can get you in over your head if you are not disciplined. You tend to pass judgment very quickly, regardless of whether or not you have all the facts. This also gets you into trouble at times. Try to curb any tendency you have in needing to be right all the time. Your ego can get rather large at times and it wouldn't hurt you to show some humility and modesty at times and also to say you're sorry for wrong actions and words. Remember that "Pride goeth before the fall" and "Judge not, lest ye be judged". With all that said, this aspect is one of the finest there is, as it also gives a measure of spiritual protection as well.

Mars discordant to Saturn
Energetic drives collide with conservatism and caution. This aspect in its worst expression tends to make you cruel, cold and unfeeling. You keep anger and resentment within you and you do not forget nor forgive a wrong. Revenge is on your mind and you want to pay back those people who have gotten in your way, either in reality or simply just in your mind. But this aspect can also give a very determined and ambitious nature. It can make a person persevere, endure, struggle and work hard, in spite of difficulties and discouragement. In its usual influence it tends to make you run hot and cold or it continually puts roadblocks and obstacles in your way to test you and see what you are made of. It is not a pleasant aspect, yet it can give you the drive and determination to succeed in spite of all the setbacks and frustrations. It can be a real character-builder if you can stand the pressure.

By concentrating on a single, clearly defined goal, you can accomplish much, but you often feel that the journey is quite difficult and that you must struggle on alone with all the responsibility and obligation on your shoulders. Now you know how Atlas must have felt carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. You are capable of great self-control, great self-denial and great self-discipline. You can be very rough on yourself by expecting far too much out of yourself. You are sometimes held back by your own fear and the uncertainty of your own abilities. Self-confidence sometimes wanes as the work goes on without noticeable progress. You meet great resistance at times when you try to take the initiative or when you try to be assertive. An inferiority complex may emerge out of accumulated difficulties. This leads to anger and frustration and if you do not have some positive way of releasing this stress, you will quite nearly explode. Of course the people whom you take all this out on are those you are closest to. This creates a great deal of friction and animosity. For this reason you many times work better in solitude. This aspect tends to cause delays, frustrations, disruptions and obstacles to all that you try to do. It certainly will test your patience.

You need to determine what your responsibilities are and when you can safely pursue your own desires while still meeting and living up to the duties you are committed to. If you follow your own desires, then you will be looked upon as irresponsible and selfish. And if you never allow yourself to pursue your own desires, then you may tear yourself apart. The trick is to find the right balance between these areas. Part of the problem lies in that you often feel frustrated, because you assume you have no choice in doing anything you enjoy. This causes the anger to build up, making you sarcastic, bitter and resentful. Make a list of your true responsibilities and fulfill them. Then, make a list of what you would like to do for fun and relaxation. By compromising, you can release your overactive sense of responsibility. You are a skilled worker because of your organizing ability and your attentiveness to detail. You take pride in your work and you simply want to do a good job.

I will add to this that the challenge with this aspect is to see the beauty and goodness in the world that surrounds you. Because of all your troubles you tend to see life as cruel and hateful, with everyone pitted against everyone else. Life seems incredibly hard with this perspective. What you must try to do is to see the good within the world's disharmony. You need love and support yet these may be lacking. To get love you first have to give love and it is not particularly easy for you to open your emotions to others. You have been hurt in the past and you do not like emotional pain. So it takes you a while to open up to people. Because of your nature, then, you appear serious, cold and aloof to others. They have no idea of what is going on inside you.

As alluded to earlier, you tend to hold in your anger. If you do not learn to release your frustrations, this anger can and will erupt uncontrollably. You need to remember that bottling anger up inside you is one of the primary causes of gall and kidney stones. Other thoughts — learn to control your passionate desires because unruly desires can get you in a lot of trouble if left unchecked. Also, there will be times when you may not follow through on projects that you have initiated because you lack a sense of sustained purpose. There can also be a certain callousness with this aspect such that you may become selfish and unwilling to go out of your way for others unless there is some gain in it for you.

Mars harmonizing with Pluto
You believe in yourself and the missions you undertake. You have a strong sense of self-confidence and will power that will not admit defeat. You know what you want and how to go about getting it in the most constructive manner. You are a natural leader and people look to you to show them the way. You have strong opinions and are not afraid to voice them or to stand up for what you believe. You are interested in making reforms when something could be made better. You have the drive, the stamina and the persistence to succeed at anything you desire. Sometimes you can become so engrossed in a project that you are unable to quit, even when you are physically worn out. You need to listen to your physical body and stop before you are exhausted. Your ego is strong but you are usually understated about it as you do not always need to be the center of attention. You like to be in total control of your life and prefer to be the leader in any situation. Since this is not always possible, you may need to learn how to cooperate and compromise better.

You like the unknown and the mysterious and want to get to the bottom of things. You want answers. Issues of life after death may be particularly interesting to you. Perhaps one of the healing arts is of significance to you. For all you know, perhaps you have healing ability. You are a natural detective and ferret and you can size up people and situations accurately and relatively quickly. Little escapes your notice. You prefer depth rather than breadth. You do not care to fight verbally, but will if necessary. Although you may control your anger quite well, when you do lose your temper, it is very explosive.

Jupiter discordant to Saturn
You may be subject to bouts of fear, worry and depression which make you feel as if you do not have enough material resources to live a reasonable life. These emotions can make you miserly and stingy. Your concern that you may not have enough for that proverbial rainy day can take all the fun and enjoyment out of day-to-day existence. So you keep trying to build up your reserves as your fear grows. You lose your enthusiasm, your generosity and your faith. You cannot allow this to happen. All that you need will be yours if you simply have faith and set your sights on seeking the God within. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you". Remember and practice that and things will improve.

You must also not allow yourself to set too high a standard of accomplishment so that if it does not transpire that you lose all drive and incentive to keep working towards your goals. Be patient with yourself and just keep plugging away for "little by little does the trick". Give yourself time to reach the heights you aspire to. After all, you probably have more time than any other commodity. Use time to your advantage — don't let it be your enemy. If you don't stick to your goals and ambitions, then you may end up as one who continually hops from this to that, accomplishing nothing in the process, except having to learn the same old lessons over and over. You have many skills and abilities, but you need to learn how to discipline yourself to finish what you start. An inner restlessness suggests that you keep several projects open at the same time so you can move from one to another to alleviate any boredom that might develop. Most of all, you absolutely must learn to accept yourself as you are, limitations and all.

Neptune harmonizing with Pluto
As with all in your generation, you have the opportunity to be of service to others for the benefit of humanity. Use any psychic or spiritual powers to help those around you.

CLOSING COMMENTS
The astrological interpretations in this report have been formulated with the assumption that your birth date, time, and place are accurately given. This includes whether the birth time was daylight savings time or standard time. Even a difference of one hour in birth time can invalidate much of the interpretation given in this report, most notably 'HOUSE POSITIONS OF PLANETS' and 'THE RISING SIGN OR ASCENDANT'.

By no means is this astrological analysis complete. Obviously, you are far more complex than what a few pages of writing can depict. Hopefully, this short description of you and your inner character will lead you on your way to really discovering who you are, what you can become, and what you need to be doing in this life.

Name	Longitude	House position
Sun	23 Sag 07' 30"	2
Moon	13 Gem 31' 51"	7
Mercury	07 Sag 49' 45"	1
Venus	11 Sco 24' 07"	12
Mars	13 Pis 12' 54"	4
Jupiter	15 Pis 13' 13"	4
Saturn	13 Sag 28' 32"	1
Uranus	22 Sag 35' 59"	2
Neptune	05 Cap 03' 41"	2
Pluto	08 Sco 59' 43"	12

Name	Longitude
Ascendant	22 Sco 15' 33"
House 2	22 Sag 32' 14"
House 3	27 Cap 31' 45"
House 4	03 Pis 41' 14"
House 5	05 Ari 27' 09"
House 6	01 Tau 07' 43"
House 7	22 Tau 15' 33"
House 8	22 Gem 32' 14"
House 9	27 Can 31' 45"
MC (Midheaven)	03 Vir 41' 14"
House 11	05 Lib 27' 09"
House 12	01 Sco 07' 43"

Friday, 16 December 2005

I want to go to that place.
I've prepared for my journey;
all that's left is to start running.

The closer I get, the more
I seem to understand,
but I still pretend not to see.

But I've come to the point
where I can't turn back,
and that's where I hesitate.

Even stopping
scares me. Fragile and
crying, you said to me:

Being sad is the same as giving up.

In gathering, displaying, and viewing
only beautiful things
and seeing only beautiful dreams,
I was only lamenting reality.
Trying to give a shape to
happiness is the same as
saying there's no reason behind love.

Yes, I've been thinking too hard,
in my head. I've been searching
for answers I don't expect to find.

I'm tired of those days of meaningless fun.

While chasing and being chased,
I've lost sight of my home.
So as not to be hurt any more,
I closed my eyes and turned away.

In gathering, displaying, and viewing
only beautiful things
and seeing only beautiful dreams,
I only lamented reality.

No matter what this place is like,
no matter where I go next,
I'll share my freedom and loneliness.
I think I can make it as I am now.